Abraham was commanded by God to sacrifice his son, Isaac. Big fucking deal.
I’ve been forced to make a greater sacrifice. I’ve stopped listening to the Howard Stern Show with Jake in the car, and I usually drive with Jake in the car. If you’re a fan of the show, you’ll agree with what I’m about to say. If you don’t listen to the show, I hope to enlighten you. And if you like Eric and Cathy, I hope your genitals catch fire. I really really do.
I’ve listened to the Stern show for 12 years. I loved it on regular radio, but it improved exponentially when he moved to Sirius. I don’t listen for the porn stars or lesbians. I like hearing their stories (and Sybian rides), but that’s not the draw for me. What I enjoy most is the style of interview that Howard conducts and the unintentional show within the show that emerges during his interactions with his staff. It’s simple for me. Celebrities with loads of skeletons in their closets get pitched softballs by Larry King, Jay Leno and Oprah. But when Martha Steward comes on Howard, she admits to using a vibrator. When there are no guests, I can listen for hours as Howard busts Bababooey’s balls or impersonates his yiddishkeit parents. When I ordered Sirius, I began loving traffic. I’m not kidding. Getting stuck in the Kennedy Expressway clusterfuck gridlock suddenly felt like a blessing.
But it is an uncensored show. Very uncensored, and Jake is simply repeating too much. He is ahead of the curve. Our weekly Babycenter.com email said that our new two-year-old will start stringing words together. Well, he started that a while ago, and I’d rather he say sentences like, “Daddy is so so cool” than “Let’s fuck some whores!”
My decision to pull the plug is a little late, but not too late. Jake had this to say while I changed his diaper last week:
“Big truck outside.”
“That’s the UPS truck,” I said. “They deliver all your toys.”
“Ash hole.”
“What?” I said, smiling.
“Ash hole.”
Then there was the incident during Rocky Rocky, which is our bed time ritual where we rock Jake in the glider. On this night, he wanted Amy to sing to him.
“Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,” she sang. “One fell off and bumped his head. Mommy called the doctor and the doctor said…What did the doctor say, Jake?”
“Booshet.”
“What?”
“Boo shet.”
“Did you hear what he said?”
“Yeah,” I answered and left the room hurriedly.
I didn’t want it to escalate. My friends with older children told me the day would come when I’d have to turn off the radio, and I’d brush them off, clearly in denial. The day came on Monday, and it sucked. It’s second nature for me to turn on my Sirius the second my car starts. Stopping what is rote just feels wrong. The first two days, I felt very agitated and panicky like a meth head in rehab. One day at a time, I keep telling myself. Today is better.
In the end, Abraham didn’t have to carry out his sacrifice. An angel stopped him and gave him a ram instead. I made good on my sacrifice, but it hasn’t gone unrewarded. I settled for the CD player on Monday, which played a Pearl Jam show I saw in 2006. Jake loves it. “Mo Pearl Jam,” he says.
That’s pretty cool.
My wife and I agree that this is why we haven’t had kids yet.
You need to download a recording program. Save it to your iPod and listen on headphones during work or while you’re working out.
Let the poison out.
This is one of my favorite posts thus far. I know how you love your Stern, but exposing Jake to cool “adult” music is really awesome. Just don’t let him sucker you into playing his crappy kid music in the car…stay strong. I firmly attest to the fact that I know all I know about music because my parents listened to it in the car with me as a kid!
You should get his musical education rolling with The Beatles.
Yes, Dave, blame Stern. Jake is swearing because he heard it on Stern. Whatever makes you sleep buddy.
That’s a good reason to wait. That and kids suck. Can you recommend a recording program?
Amen. My dad had the cassingles of “Devil Went Down to Georgia”, “My Sherona”, and “Lola.” That was a nice introduction into music.
If he learned if from Stern or from hearing me, I’m still to blame.
Or Pearl Jam. Actually, he loves “In My Life.” It calms him down in the car.
Thanks for finally listening to me, Dave. Too bad it took Jake saying “ass hole” and “bull shit” for it to sink into your bald head…
Just remember, Dave. On the last day Stern broadcasts for Sirius, you and I are taking the day off and listening together. Until then, I guess it’s more “Elmo’s Song” for you.
Hate to say we told you so. I haven’t heard Howard’s voice in almost 4 years and I miss it too. Time to sign Jake up as a member of the “10 Club” so he can attempt to score some front row center PJ tickets!
Yeah, you never curse. Ah huh.
Sadly, I think we can pencil in the date for January, 2011.
Oh no need to sign Jake up. I’ll just piss and moan like I did last time and get Scott to keep inviting me!
God, I love me some Howard Stern. So glad I have no children to badly influence.
Eff Jackie.
Eff Jackie indeed. And eff Fred, too.
So, when will we be seeing your next blog post?
Tonight
Eff Jackie! And Let’s Fuck Some Whores!
I came to the same sad state last week. I have an almost 2 year old son and he said Fuck clear as day while in my sweet, softball mommy, mini-van while we were running errands the other day. Of course I was listening to Howard. What else is there to listen during the morning (or all day and night)? I would gouge my eyes out if I had to listen to Eric and Kathy all morning. God help me. We listen to music now and when he blessedly falls asleep, Howard goes back on.
Hi Jan! Welcome to the forum.
I feel your pain. Isn’t this a horrible milestone? Thanks for the comment.
Keep reading!
I’ve always liked Howard Stern. All the mornings getting ready for work and listening to him on regular radio. I don’t have Sirius so haven’t listened to him in years. The biggest shock to me, and at the opposite end of the scale regarding your story, is when my parents told me they had seen “Private Parts” and liked it!
The show became exponentially better when he moved to sirius. His contract is up this year, and he hasn’t revealed yet what he’s going to do.